Maybe, I'm not how you want me to be. I admit, I don't care much what the proper conventions are. Go to uni, get a degree, become something in life. It doesn't seem to suit me. My days feel restricted. Wake up, Get dressed, Sit in class, Listen to students recite the ideas already in my head. My thoughts have no boundaries, No limits. I want to do everything! How can I work on the things I want when all my time goes sitting in a classroom? I need the freedom. There can't be rules, timelines, limitations. No that just won't do!
One more year!
One more year and I'll be done for awhile.
I want to see the deserts of Asia minor,
the rain forests of South America,
the mountains of Switzerland!
I want to live in houses with character,
And listen to the tunes the boatman sings at the closing of the night.
I want to scream till my eardrums pop! Take a baseball bat and break whats left of these walls in my head. Drive at 120 miles an hour, into skies that break and cry from the storms. I want lightening to strike down on me, give me a buzz. This calm is suffocating! I need chaos, Havoc! Lets start a riot! Let there be loud voices and strong opinions, Anything to wake me from this dullness. Its a depression. Connections aren't being made, The synapses in my skull are disappearing one by one; I'm shutting down. Reboot me! Stab me in the heart, so I can remember I have one! Beat me till I feel pain. Think I'll jump off a bridge, Always wanted to fly! You must think I'm crazy! Well, you're absolutely right and I wouldn't change it for anything.
After all these years, they've finally cleaned it up. There's only one person in the whole world that knows the significance of this place... __________________________________________________________________
Haven't been here in over a year.
Everyday since I've met you, the need for it decreased.
I thought I was getting better.
I forgot the dreams I used to have every night, I forgot the darkness.
I thought it wasn't a part of me anymore, but lately I feel
like it is more a part of me than ever I thought it could be.
The dreams that used to haunt me are back.
I'm scared to close my eyes and see the black.
I don't sleep. I don't eat. Is it just a matter of time?
It feels like you took something out of me, spit on it, stepped on it, and flushed it down the toilet so that it wouldn't be your concern again till your bathroom overflowed. I'm naively hoping for the best but every night you spend with her I feel like kicking myself. This can't be my type. I deserve more. - Shammy 2/22/12 2:06am
Today, while I was buying a metrocard at the atm machine a woman came up to me. She mentioned for me to buy her a metrocard and offered me a five dollar bill. “4.50, 4.50,” she said. It was first day of classes for me and I wasn’t going to risk being even a minute late. I don’t speak Spanish, I told her. “Ask the teller,” I said pointing to the fat black man sitting inside the 24 hour booth. She nodded and mentioned toward the atm machine, “He say,” pointing to the machine, “he say here.” “I’m sorry, I’m in a rush,” I told her as I finished my transaction and ran for the exit. Now I’m on a bus on my way to class. I definitely won’t be late; I might actually get there ten minutes early. She is probably still waiting in the station for someone to help her. The asshole mta worker didn’t help her, and neither did I. I didn’t know her. Not my problem, right? Funny thing is, she kind of reminded me of my mom, kinthu, ami kono patha denai. - Shammy 1/30/12 2:03pm